Personal anecdote – hope for people with a bad family background
Hopefully, this post will help inspire those who have suffered as a result of bad parenting, grand parenting, a bad childhood and so on, that there is hope.
The post includes the text of an email which I have sent to my mother recently, in response to an email from her containing spin ((n) spin (a distinctive interpretation (especially as used by politicians to sway public opinion)) “the campaign put a favorable spin on the story”)
It is important to remember that the responsibility to fix the mess other people made lies with us. Things may be other people’s fault, but our job is to fix it. It can be done. I did it.
And not everyone is bad. I have a wonderful mother and father in law for example. My wife is very blessed to have had such wonderful parents.
I celebrate the good in life. Very much so. But I WILL call a spade a spade.
And in case you are wondering; I am not bitter. Bitterness destroys health and corrodes the soul. If my father, mother, or brothers genuinely apologized and tried to put things right, then I would welcome them back into my life. You see, you have a problem when you are unable to forgive people. That said, if people want to persist in their thinking and behavior then you have to view and treat them accordingly.
Here is the email:
—–
Hi Mum,
I quote:
Just for the record – I took you both with me because he was not treating you right either. I didn’t take off on my own. Nor did I back down at my father’s demands. Nor did I succumb to Tony’s threats to get you one way or another. But he won in the end as he threatened to do when he was rocking my car too and fro with me in it. “I can’t get them by legal means, so I shall get them illegally.” This he did in more ways than one.
I miss the parties we used to have, your respective birthdays and each his own Christmas party, the family get togethers at Easter and Christmas and of course, the Bonfire night: fireworks in the night, baked potatoes in their jackets, sparklers, a bonfire and rockets that reached for the stars – visits to Roman ruins , particularly at Wall, ancient castles, walks after school on a sunny day through Sutton Coldfield Park, talking about the Roman Road – your friends around for tea – your microscope, your climbing frame. Ah well! At least I have the memories. I made my great escape and we became a happy team then. You excelled at school and in sports and all went well until…
….we went to live with Cane Toad 1971 and you washed your hands of us (1972). Sturat next saw you in 1989 and me twice briefly in 78 and then not again until 1987 after I traced you. 1978 was the visit with Brian at Rugby School where you made an ‘impression’ on the housemaster – I recall him telling me that he thought you were very strange. The housemaster was a decent, reasonable fellow – he was not a pawn, neither was he an idiot. No surprise that Sturat now has a sociopathic personality profile/disorder. (Yes, I have had training from an FBI officer in profiling, as well as undertaken other profiling study).
I could go on.
People tell me that someone (a mum) who seems so wonderful in the italics part would not have behaved as she has since if the sentiments expressed in italics were genuine. They have been very blunt: a true mother in spirit would not have behaved how you have.
What can I say to them? Many are astute, learned people. With high IQs and EQs.
Cane Toad was very bad indeed. Worse than Mum. Need I say more about Mum? Sturat has developed the ‘best of both worlds’ into a very potent mix.
Unfortunately Sturat never managed to break free of the crap. In a way, I feel sorry for him. It’s in his breeding & early conditioning/experiences. He has never overcome it. Sadly, the ONLY thing to admire about Stuart is his world class business acumen which has earned him tens of millions of dollars.
PS: I didn’t excel at early school. I remember trying to work out maths problems by putting hundreds of dots on paper and counting. Dividing involved columns of dots i.e: divide by four = dot in each column until I reached the grand total. Then count the dots in each column. I was a complete moron in that sense. Neither do I recall the incident whereby you blamed me for losing your father’s inheritance. Grandad Horace was clearly some kind of shit. Maybe he thought you were a shit as well and that you had married an even bigger shit. Who knows. Some of my key memories of Horace involve frightening dreams (frightening in the past).
Oh yeah..I never excelled at sports. I remember being in a race at about age 6 and holding my arm out to try and stop someone passing me who was faster than me. How good is that? Decades later I found out that the pain in my chest I got from running was due to exercise related asthma.
I also remember all the hate. Dad (Cane Toad – Tony) hating you – looking at me while snarling and spitting that I was just like you. His hatred for Horace. Your hatred for Cane Toad. Horace hating Cane Toad. And more. So much hate for a young child to consume. I felt like I was pickled in hate. And then there was Margaret Payne; nasty cow – Cane Toad’s choice of new wife (whom I warned him about at age 6) – another long story.
And recently, we hear that Cane Toad rings you up to tell you he still loves you after 40 years. I recall what a nasty man he was to you. Unlike Stuart, I am old enough to remember the shouting, violence and the smashed stuff.
And so it goes on, or could.
Running a spin doctor brainwashing campaign on the past just doesn’t cut it.
I am a very happy and joy filled person today. In spite of my parents/parenting. One of the keys to my current state was embracing truth and a love for truth – even if I didn’t like it in one sense.
Cane Toad slipped up one day. He said that he was glad Stuart & I came to live with him because “you (me) brought Stuart to me”.
I turned out bad as a child – no surprise there. Interestingly, what we didn’t know (at the time) was just how bad Sturat was. Whatever I did pales in comparison. Ironically, my father, Cane Toad, backed the wrong horse. But hey, as the saying goes; shits of a shit, flock and shit together.
Another gold star.
Alex
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